It Just Doesn't Make Any Sense!

So, yesterday my husband & I went to our scheduled appointment with our genetic counselor at Winnie Palmer Hospital at 8 a.m. I was so excited to see what was wrong with our son. For no other reason than to have answers & closure, but just like the memorial this didn't bring closure. It was actually a nightmare! You look at me & think that I'm O.K. & holding up, but in reality is all just a cover a blanket so to speak to just be able to get through the day..

Some of my days are alright, but others are just to much for me. This day I thought would have been a good one as it was from the moment I got up until I arrived. The moment we got to the front door of the hospital I had to stop and take and deep breath & swallow down the knot in my throat. Then as we began to walk down the hallway to the Fetal Diagnostics Center I got this horrible feeling that came over me. I couldn't help but feel like these were my last moments as the tears streamed down my face I said to my husband, "I thought I'd be O.k. but this is to hard. I Miss Si.." He just looked at me & he softly said to me, "I know I miss him too. It'll be O.k., we will see him again one day soon."  Plain & simple my heart was crushed all over again, as I felt like I was making my final walk down the hall to the end. I felt like I was on death row & my time was up.. The walls were closing in on me as I had flash backs. From that point forward my day was not good. I didn't feel well anymore, I was tired, not hungry, sick to my stomach & just plain sad & depressed.. So, anyways we went over the autopsy report & I feel...... ummm, lost, frustrated, confused, and sad all over again now. The Hope of finding what was wrong with our son is running low, but hopefully with a few days rest & a dictionary I will feel better.. LOL, the dictionary is to translate the report & all its jibberish.. ;)