2 Months and 5 days today...

So, a look back it seems like yesterday but just 2 months & 5 days later I look at where we are & what has changed. To be quite honest with you I can't even begin to measure "how much" has changed. For some they see where I'm at & they say "Wow, I hope you aren't stuck in this mess" and others would say "We are so proud of you. You have overcome so much & give me inspiration & show me a mother's love for her child". So, the response depends on who you talk to. One thing I can tell you is that I have learned NOT to really care what anyone thinks or says because every individual heals in their own manner & time. I don't know how that process will take course in me or my husband yet, but I HAVE learned that the ONLY one I can count on 200% is our good Lord, & then my amazing husband! Anyways, back to what has changed. I since have been able to move on with out a major hysterical break down & that in itself is a HUGE improvement! I can barely handle hearing babies crying at the stores & oh, I'm a God mother! My best friend & sister Janaya has since found out since Silas' passing that she is pregnant! I'm not gonna lie I had to tell her that I'm honored & I'm here for her, BUT she has to be patient & understanding of the fact that I may not always be happy or want to go baby shopping with her or I may just out of no where start crying, & I couldn't make any promises as how I will or can cope but that I was here for her..  We had Silas' memorial, & I've got his ashes home with us. Yaaaay!! I got to see my beautiful & amazing girls at the memorial & Lord was that a blessing in itself.

(This is may girls, niece, husband & myself letting go of a balloon for Silas which we all wrote our prayers on.)

I thought that having the memorial would make me feel better, but honestly I found out the hard way that actually it created more pain than ever before!!! Once that went buy (lasted for about 3-4 days) I started to heal and feel like things were getting back to normal life as possible (whatever normal is..)

I have since finished filling out the research study programs for CDH and need to mail them in this week. My husband had since been laid off since beginning of Nov.  So, we have both been actively looking for work and I today have locked down a position with a small company that will give decent pay when it goes FT & a flexible schedule.  Eli is still looking for work and hopes to get enrolled in to trucking school so that he can get great benefits & see the south east region so we can find out exactly where we will buy a house in the future, Florida doesn't have much left here. My oldest will be 18 in a couple of years and will go to college (hopefully UF to be a Vet) & the school system here sucks! I miss the change in the land (valleys & mountains). Don't know that isn't for a few years like 3-4. Until then he just need dependable work. I still haven't had a chance to write all my thank you's but I will, in due time.

Today: Applied for a job & got a trial period for a few days as a secretary. So, I have to knock them dead when I get there and show them what I got! I'm excited yet nervous as it has been since June I haven't worked. If all goes well it'll become FT in a few weeks with decent pay & I can work from home once I learn exactly what they want me to do. On another note not to long after that I got a call from the genetics counselor and he has received a copy of Silas' autopsy report. We have an appointment for this Wed. 8 a.m. I did get a chance to pic his brain for a second. I asked him if the findings of the report has found VATERS/VACTERL's. He told me no, so I asked him if it was FRYNS like he thought to begin with. Then he said to me that the findings do NOT show ANY conclusive findings, but that from what the report says they are leaning towards FRYNS & we need to test further. So, till Wed. I'm stuck on chuck!.. lol

Other than that the only other thing is that I have decided that I want to open a charity to help families of Cherubs that pass with providing basic household, hygiene & groceries for one month. One delivery for the family each week for 4 weeks. I need to find extreme couponers to help. I wanted to name it Silas' Supper or Supper from Silas, but now I like Feed the Cherubs not sure anyone have any suggestions.